Awakening

Something happened to me the other day. One afternoon I was sitting on the couch, just 'being', I wasn't thinking particularly about anything but then again about pretty much anything. 

Before I get there let me go back to January 01, 2014 to when I said that THIS is going to be the best decade of my life. Things were going to change and positively change. Every day there are free things to do around la, making new friends, going out on dates, and lists of things to do... Oh filling my life with so much "stuff" that I forget I am supposed to be healing, not suppressing.  I cannot focus on who my inner am...am(?) if I am just doing everyday life tasks that I have done for the last, let’s just call it an even 42 years, shall we?  

Now, we digress.

Tuesday afternoon I was merely sitting on the sofa, with my fuzzy blanket, just sitting in the NOW and not thinking about much at all when I was overcome with horrid gut wrenching grief. Now I really can say that I have never experienced grief before because that really hurts…and boy is it not a cute look.  

Anyway, I just felt this extremely tight feeling in the depth of my belly & heart. My mouth gaped open as if I were screaming but nothing came out, something must come out soon I need to breath. In my head all I wanted to do was shout as loud as I could, but I couldn't even blink. What is happening? Why is my body frozen in fear? Someone help me…

Then it happened. It was if these great big castle walls were crumbling right in front of me. I started weeping so loudly I was afraid of myself but I stayed with it. A rush of grief for the child I never got to be, the one that was killed by abusive adults before she even got a chance to flourish. Anguish …

That was a hard day for me.  I do not know what happened but I can tell you that I feel differently and I am look at things differently.