The Kid In You

The last few days I spent in San Diego. I was fortunate enough to have a friend purchase a round trip ticket so I could visit. 

God truly has blessed me with great friends. I was fortunate enough to go visit a friend for the last few days in San Diego. I had really been missing my home town since moving away about eight months ago. Aside from the city looking and feeling differently compared to where I have been living I noticed something about people. Along my journey, I had left Tuesday early morning to do my usual routine of walking to the subway or bus and hitching a ride, to the Greyhound. 

Recently I have been watching documentaries like The Power Of Now and trying to not live inside my head and think all the time. I had decided I would do that on this journey to not think "what if they try to search me?" type of thoughts. Which is what most of us seem to do when we are going on a trip, we constantly think of all the negative things that could or might potentially happen that we do not live in the moment of happiness that we are going somewhere. 

I digress back to my journey. I just watched everything around me, the people, cars, trees, animals. I lived in the moment and not judging or contemplating. One very true fact that most probably does not notice is that the majority are living in their misery constantly. All I felt was sadness and despair coming off of people. What a horrible existence we are living right now. 

I had my headphones on and was dancing around to music and notice how people pointed at me and either smiled like they were happy another human being was happy OR they pointed and had their face turned up like I was a crazy person. Since when did becoming, being, acting, talking happy get such a bad rap?  That is probably why so many Youtube videos that have people acting silly are so popular. Somewhere along the last twenty years we started thinking that it was not okay to laugh in public, like you couldn't be one of the "cool kids" if you cracked a smile.  

Confession! I am really tired of not being the Kristina I was born to be. I am goofy and a klutz, a little funny. I hate shoes and rules and malls & rudeness...oh and also greed & gluttony. 

We should all just be who we want to be and stop being so fearful of what others think. The right friends will come to you based on your personality.

Message In A Bible?

The last few days have been interesting ones. I have been looking through so many different types of religions wondering which one is right. Which one has the answer I am looking for? I believe I have found the answer, ALL of them.

Every religion is about love. Isn't that amazing? We have all been taught the same lesson by different teachers, probably because we all learn differently, and all we do is fight with each other over whose religion is correct. It seems this “religious war” we have been fighting for centuries over has forgotten what its own message was about. LOVE.

How can anyone really say they are godly, god-like, a Christian, a Muslim etc. if all they do is live and judge through hate? God does not teach any of us to hate. I never went to church much growing up but I do remember something about “Love they neighbor.”

Think about when you were a little kid and you tattled on someone, when you pointed were you not told, “Be careful when you point your finger because 3 are always pointing back at you.” I think we should stop blaming others for what is wrong and start focusing on ourselves.

We have become a world of headline readers & snap judgments makers. Where did the love go? Can somebody call the hippie generation back because we need some love up in here!

Just start small, smile on purpose ALL the time. That is how happiness begins. Practice for one week.

Truth Upon Arrival. 

My First Day After Meditating

When I was in my teens and early twenties I would try things like meditation or past life regression here and there. It was quite a bit different back in 1980's and 1990's because we did not have the ease of the internet. In San Diego we had a couple places that one could pick up a book or two on the subject but everyone kind of just thought you to be the "oddball."   Never truly feeling like I have fit in with any particular group I was okay with that title. 

Here I am in my "middle ages" and I am back at trying this again. I have spent a great deal of my life in churches of all kinds but have never truly felt any sort of connect with what I thought was missing...what I FEEL has been missing. God has always been present, that I am confident of but there has always been some other feeling of emptiness or loneliness that I could never quite figure out; which typically leads people to try all kinds of new and interesting things out.

Last night was my first night back at trying meditating. Thank goodness I did not try anything silly like Kundalini, that is interesting and I do not really have a definition for you since I am new to discovering it myself. I will say that it was...not for the closed minded.

Today I feel extremely exhausted both mentally and physically, I have that feeling you get around the second day after going back to the gym for the first time. I did a small bit of mediation today and I probably should have taken a nap.

I have made myself a play list on my Ipod with binary beats and some meditations with Kelly Howell who has simply the most peaceful and loving voice I have heard. Fourteen hours’ worth of play so that should last the usual 4-6 hours I get of sleep. Here is to hoping that I sleep longer.

Research has shown that meditating on positivity and love actually changes people’s behavior patterns around you that that love stretches for miles and makes every living thing around happier. We should be mediating twenty minutes a day on love. That is like using your break or lunch period and sitting quietly in your car and thinking loving thoughts the entire time. EASY RIGHT!!? So why aren't we? That is what Jesus would do, or any messiah of love. 

Awakening

Something happened to me the other day. One afternoon I was sitting on the couch, just 'being', I wasn't thinking particularly about anything but then again about pretty much anything. 

Before I get there let me go back to January 01, 2014 to when I said that THIS is going to be the best decade of my life. Things were going to change and positively change. Every day there are free things to do around la, making new friends, going out on dates, and lists of things to do... Oh filling my life with so much "stuff" that I forget I am supposed to be healing, not suppressing.  I cannot focus on who my inner am...am(?) if I am just doing everyday life tasks that I have done for the last, let’s just call it an even 42 years, shall we?  

Now, we digress.

Tuesday afternoon I was merely sitting on the sofa, with my fuzzy blanket, just sitting in the NOW and not thinking about much at all when I was overcome with horrid gut wrenching grief. Now I really can say that I have never experienced grief before because that really hurts…and boy is it not a cute look.  

Anyway, I just felt this extremely tight feeling in the depth of my belly & heart. My mouth gaped open as if I were screaming but nothing came out, something must come out soon I need to breath. In my head all I wanted to do was shout as loud as I could, but I couldn't even blink. What is happening? Why is my body frozen in fear? Someone help me…

Then it happened. It was if these great big castle walls were crumbling right in front of me. I started weeping so loudly I was afraid of myself but I stayed with it. A rush of grief for the child I never got to be, the one that was killed by abusive adults before she even got a chance to flourish. Anguish …

That was a hard day for me.  I do not know what happened but I can tell you that I feel differently and I am look at things differently.